Y U Like Dis

“We do have one reservation,” The voice, hitherto mellifluous behind the smile the ‘still buffering’ loopy arrow had blurred to a snarl, crispened suddenly, and I straightened up. “During a quick glance through your Facebook activity – standard company procedure, nothing personal – our psychoanalysts found a disturbing number of memes about drinking at work. ‘The best thing about vodka is that it looks like water’. ‘Sober work day? What’s that?’ And so on.”

“They’re – memes. I don’t actually drink. I just share the memes because they’re funny.”

“So you have never been drunk at work?”

“No. I have never been drunk at all.”

“If that is indeed true,” the video buffering lets up just enough to reveal a classic eyebrow lift of incredulity, the kind that could be meme-template gold. “I’m not sure it’s a recommenda – that is to say – well, why are they funny then?”

“Sorry?”

“Why do you find drunk at work memes funny if you don’t drink?”

The CV – smooth sailing, even a compliment or two. The covering letter and standard interview questions – no problems, vibes of approval. Was I really going to lose my dream-job because of my taste in memes?

“I – I don’t – I don’t know. Movies and things, I suppose. They’re – they’re just memes!”

“Social media activity, like other forms of self-expression, is often more – revealing – than we like to admit. For instance, I notice that you did not add #StayAtHome to your profile during the Covid19 crisis. Were you perhaps reticent about the measures taken to prevent the spread of the disease?”

“No! The only time I left the house was to – wait, how is any of this relevant?”

“We take digital footprints very seriously in this organisation. Yesterday, you retweeted a video, originally shared by a left-wing political organisation, about reducing MP benefits to combat the recession rather than increasing the work week. Would you describe yourself as a communist?”

Reader, they gave me the boot … Besides doing our taxes and fighting off would-be assaulters, here’s another essential life-skill school never taught us … selfing through tech.

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